Bored of the Flies

So we waved goodbye to Western Australia and headed to Melbourne. It had only taken a few days back in Perth to get used to the weather (much warmer than the South West) so it was a bit of a shock to get off the plane in Melbourne - although the sun was shining it was cold. We found our way to our hostel in St Kilda (a suburb of Melbourne) and set off straightaway in search of a supermarket and some food. On the way back the wind was so cold I thought I might freeze before we got home. This was not the Australian plan!

We had two days in Melbourne before heading off down the Great Ocean Road. We spent Monday getting to grips with Melbourne's public transport system (they have electric trams that whizz about everywhere - wicked!) and getting in some free visits around Federation Square. We visited ACMI - the Australian Centre for the Moving Image (a showcase of things like film images projected onto thin air that you could then walk through and lots of video booths where you could watch short films or read interactive stories) and St Paul's cathedral (we'd timed our visit perfectly because only the night before they had pulled down a screen that had been obscuring the altar and beautiful stained glass window for the last eighteen months), and then moved on to Parliament House, where we managed to get on a free tour, with a very interesting and amusing guide. We were able to sit in seats normally occupied by very important people and Gareth made himself very comfortable as Speaker of the House. You did get the sense you were naughty children being allowed to run riot while the teacher was out of the room.

"Order, Order! Let the honourable gentleman speak"

We also fitted in a quick beer in Young and Jackson, Melbourne's oldest pub, which apparently houses a very famous nude painting that caused huge controversy when it was painted back in the dark ages. We did have a quick look around but it was nowhere to be seen. I think it may just have been a ploy on Gareth's part to have a quick beer...

Back in St Kilda we walked down the pier where we spotted some dinky penguins hiding in the rocks and then stopped for drinks in one of the cafe bars along the beach. St Kilda is full of beautiful people (I don't know how we sneaked in) and the thing to do when you're there is watch these beautiful people all day long. I don't know whether you've ever done it, but it's quite tiring watching beautiful people rollerblade, cycle or run along the beachfront. All that exercise really takes it out of you. We decided we preferred the other thing you're meant to do in St Kilda - eat delicious cakes from all the fabulous Continental style bakeries on Ackland Street - yum.

Next day we decided we would first head over to Queen Victoria market to get ourselves some things for a picnic. It's a monster of a market, with hundreds of stalls selling everything you could wish for, from pet food, to sunglasses, to Ugg boots - but we were only interested in food - you know Gareth and his blood sugar swings. Half an hour later we had organised ourselves with some bread, Tasmanian Brie and grapes and headed off to the Royal Botanical Gardens.

"I'm not asking fifty, I'm not asking twenty, yes mate, any two for a pound"

Well, it was a warm day and a long walk to the gardens. It took us some time (and nearly a divorce) to cross one particularly busy road across the Yarra River but eventually we arrived and found ourselves a nice shady spot to eat. Sadly the shade came a bit late for the Tasmanian Brie which looked a bit more like cheese fondue when we opened the bag and smelt a bit like Gareth's shoes after a long day on the road.

I must admit that I still prefer Kings Park in Perth but the Botanical Gardens are beautifully kept and we must have spent a couple of hours there, just relaxing. When you lay down in the grass you could almost have been in the National Botanic Gardens of Wales, had it not been for the skyscrapers in the distance, the searing temperature and oh... also the fact that all the plants looked healthy and there were no comedy farmyard animals wandering around.

Another hard day for two globetrotters

Next day we picked up our hire car to drive the Great Ocean Road. I think Gareth was pretty gutted when he discovered that we weren't getting another one of those Kia Rios that he loves so much but a Toyota Corolla instead. The Great Ocean Road is one of the most spectacular coastal drives in the world, with differences of opinion about where exactly it starts and finishes - our guidebook said it started in Torquay and ended in Warrnambool and that was good enough for us.

We decided to spend our first night in Torquay and fixed ourselves a room in a little guesthouse. The owner was friendly but a bit obsessed with the sharks that he said were waiting to eat us in the water around Torquay - it certainly put me off going for a dip. Gareth, fearless as ever, wasn't put off so we headed to a place called Jan Juc in search of some waves - but the surf was pants. No dinner for the sharks that night anyway.

Next morning we visited Torquay's surfing museum, then set off for Bells Beach. At last there was some surf for Gareth who was a very happy bunny. From Bells Beach we drove on through Anglesea, Lorne and eventually got to Apollo Bay, where we stayed the night in a fab little place called Angela's Guesthouse. When we arrived Angela showed us our room which was sparkling clean, with a balcony that had a view of the sea. Angela said that if we would like breakfast it would be ten dollars extra and she would bring it up on a tray to eat on the balcony. Well how could we say no?

Somewhere along Great Ocean Road we must have got a bit lost..

For our last day on the road we'd left a lot to pack in. From Apollo Bay you leave the coast and enter the Otway National Park, where we took a quick detour to see Cape Otway and its lighthouse and then walked to Triplet Falls, a beautiful waterfall in the middle of rainforest. After this the road goes back to the coast and you reach the Twelve Apostles, the huge rock stacks that come up out of the sea.

Along most of the road, if you pull into a viewing point there's a really good chance you'll be the only people there but the viewing platform for the Twelve Apostles was absolutely packed - with other people and also with flies. I don't think we've mentioned how awful the flies in Australia are - they try to get in your nose, your eyes, your mouth and your ears and they particularly like Gareth. I have never seen anything like it before - they were swarming around him and he was trying to cover his face, unsuccessfully, with his fleece. I did the only thing any good wife could do - I gave him my bandana - and for the first time in our trip he took it happily. (I knew I would break him eventually.)

Yes, count them again.

It's strange when you see in front of you, something you've seen so many times before in pictures and the Twelve Apostles are striking and impressive - but it was so busy and the flies were unbearable so you couldn't really take it in.

We finished the drive in Warrnambool (this place name sounds expecially good if you say it in a Bristol accent, as Gareth did to the lady in the Visitor Centre, who nearly wet herself laughing), where we spent the night, before driving back to Melbourne via the Princes Highway next morning.

Getting back to Melbourne the first thing you noticed was the smoke - while we'd been away bushfires had been raging and the city was covered by grey. The second thing you noticed was the temperature - which was also raging. After returning our hire car we went to Melbourne Cricket Ground, nearly dying of thirst during the tour. The ground is very impressive (though probably the highlight for me was visiting the Changing Rooms where all those yummy cricketers have been before). Gareth was very excited to sit in the commentary box where BBC radio will broadcast the Boxing Day Test.

"and Flintoff bowls to Ponting from the pavilion end..."

Next day it was even hotter - we later found out that it had reached 42 degrees - too hot to do anything outside, so we went to the cinema instead. Later on, we got ourselves as glammed up as we can within the limitations of our rucksacks and went to the Crown Casino. It is a massive place, part of a huge entertainment complex (including the cinema we'd visited earlier) and was the most blingy place we'd seen since Bangkok. We made a deal before we went in - we'd spend a maximum of $50 in the casino and save any winnings. In true James Bond style we headed straight to the Roulette tables where Gareth got stuck in - and he's a natural - we came back out of the casino with $95! He's available to hire for special occasions and can even tie a proper bow tie!

So that was Victoria, lots of fun, hot, cold and sharky and we didn't spot a single koala while we were there. Next - Sydney.